Abbott and Costello Visit Hockey East

Over 50 years ago, Bud Abbott and Lou Costello created arguably the most famous comedy routine in history, “Who’s on First.” It is with great pleasure that we welcome them to the Hockey East stage.

LOU: Heeyyy, Abbott! You’ll never guess what happened. I saw my first college hockey game and, boy, was it terrific! I didn’t really understand what was going on, but I loved it when they crashed into each other. Smash! Bam! Pow! Now I can’t get enough of it.

BUD: I’ve been a fan myself for years.

LOU: Just do me one favor.

BUD: You name it.

LOU: Don’t confuse me like you did with “Who’s on First.” Just speak English.

BUD: I couldn’t do that.

LOU: Couldn’t do what?

BUD: Speak English.

LOU: Why not?

BUD: He redshirted. English, I mean. Brad English. UNH.

LOU: Abbott, I don’t care if the shirts he wears are red, or green, or brown or white!

BUD: That would give you your penalty-killers.

LOU: What would?

BUD: Green or Brown or White. Don’t you know what you’re saying?

LOU: Of course I don’t know what I’m saying!

BUD: David Green is a senior at Providence. Craig Brown is a UMass-Lowell freshman. They both play forward. Tony and Brian White are defensemen for Merrimack and Maine. The four of them would make a great penalty-killing unit.

LOU: Penalty-killing? You’re killing me!

BUD: Weren’t you watching the players while they were crashing and smashing and bashing? Knowing the players is half the fun. Lou, you really need to buy a program.

LOU: All I’m asking is that you just speak English!

BUD: I told you he redshirted.

LOU: Abboooott!!

BUD: Let me explain.

LOU: How noble!

BUD: Isn’t he a great goaltender?

LOU: Who?

BUD: Who’s on first. You were talking about Noble.

LOU: Noble, who?

BUD: Noble is in the nets. Who is on first. Please stick to hockey, Lou.

LOU: You’re doing it again! You’re trying to drive me crazy! Am I right?

BUD: Matt and Dennis. BU and UMass-Amherst.

LOU: There you go again!

BUD: Say, did you know that when Matt Wright enrolled at BU, he didn’t even expect to make the team? And he won a national championship! What a story. Gotta love the success of a walk-on.

LOU: Now what are you talking about? I thought we were talking about hockey.

BUD: We are, except when you bring up Who, the guy on first base.

LOU: So what’s this about a walk-on? I may be stupid, but I know that you skate in hockey. You don’t walk.

BUD: You don’t understand.

LOU: Nooo kidding!

BUD: Let me explain.

LOU: I don’t want to hear it! All I know is that Noble is in the nets. I don’t know if he’s acting noble there, but that’s where he is. And he isn’t speaking English because English is redshirting. Not greenshirting, or brownshirting, or whiteshirting. Because those are David, Craig, Tony, and Brian. Whatever that means! And maybe I’m wrong but I’m certainly not right because right is a walk-on named Matt even though he’s supposed to be skating.

BUD: Lou, you’re brilliant. That’s perfect.

LOU: I don’t even know what I said!

BUD: You said that…

LOU: Stop! I don’t want to hear another word! I’m one word away from going over the edge, Abbott, and it’s all because of you. There’s a punishment for guys like you. If I hear one more word out of you, I’m gonna cane you.

BUD: Goaltender. Providence. Mark Kane.

LOU: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

Note: UNH’s Brad English has not yet been officially designated a redshirt. He has, however, not played this year primarily due to knee problems and would seem an obvious redshirt candidate. Our mythical Abbott and Costello felt that technicalities should not get in the way of a good routine.